inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
real
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*