Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
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A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
lost dog
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
did it work
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.