[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
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don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
This meal prepping shit easy
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’