“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
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If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.