[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
December birthdays be like…
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.