EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
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When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
This took me a second..
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Straight people are cancelled
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market