Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
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Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*