HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
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*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I hope they boil the right one.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.