wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
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The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.