The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..