I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?