Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
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Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
🤣🤣🤣
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?