I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
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Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
That’s not how days work.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I’m pretty like a car crash.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
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