They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
mood
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*