If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Happy Caturday!
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I would like even faster food.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them