Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
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“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
huge if true: the moon
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.