My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
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You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches