good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
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A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Snapes on a plane.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.