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Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Bro what is this
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.