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What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?


After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.


15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.


*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”


Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”


“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins


I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.


*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]


What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.


My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.