The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
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*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Möther may I have a snäck
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?