do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
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5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
forgive me baja for i have blast
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!