After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
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My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?