Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
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the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Meeeee too!
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”