Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
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Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!