If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
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Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?