I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
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if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else