Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
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Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how鈥檚 your day going?
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren鈥檛 you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I鈥檓 thirsty
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I don鈥檛 moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
[dangling from a cliff] now let鈥檚 do a silly one
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
When you don鈥檛 understand how floors work
I鈥檓 very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can鈥檛 go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
[first day as a fireman]
So you鈥檙e telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don鈥檛
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how鈥檚 this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”