10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
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HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.