My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
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When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
*exercises sarcastically*
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look