As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.