Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
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My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad