🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
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Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole