If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
You Might Also Like
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!