I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
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The hardest thing Vision has to do
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
step 6: release the wall snake
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.