Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
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Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
finally
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.