Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
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It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
the battle rages on
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
All excellent questions
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.