You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
You Might Also Like
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
When someone trying to leave me
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD