If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
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Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”