I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
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Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”