I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.


The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.


elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge


What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes


My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.


Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.


My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”


nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-


nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope