@TravLeBlanc
@handsforkeys As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
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@handsforkeys 
@robdelaney The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
@JasonNotEvil elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
@TeeJayRush Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
@bossy_bootz What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
@birbigs I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
@Manda_like_wine My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
@TheAlexP Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
@joeljeffrey My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
@clichedout nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope