I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
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Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
okay run it by me one more time
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.