My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
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I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.