[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
You Might Also Like
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.