Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
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Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.