I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
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i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
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I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
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I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.