I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
This trial is so absurd 😭
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Okay me first
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.