I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
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Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slowest swimmer.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Update and restart
Me: I’d like to restart
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
-Fragrance by Social Media
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.