You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
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“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.