@SCbchbum

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

You Might Also Like

@lawyerthoughts

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

@Try2StopME

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

@BillPelicanBros

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

@simoncholland

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

@Demented_Jokes

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

@onion_an

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

@mllebeckyrose

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs