@SCbchbum
@lawyerthoughts Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
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@lawyerthoughts 
@TitansHomer My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
@Try2StopME Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
@Sarah__Cortez It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
@BillPelicanBros Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
@simoncholland A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
@Demented_Jokes I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
@onion_an [at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
@Heatinblack For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
@mllebeckyrose 2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs