You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
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Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems