I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Black Friday “markdowns” like
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives