Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
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I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.