Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??![]()
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Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Money is the root of all wealth
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere