Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Me: how are you
Friday: good
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆