Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
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[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae