“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
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Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Does it…does it take 3 days
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
When he asks for feet pics
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”