“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?